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Talking Tragedy

[caption id="attachment_14555" align="alignleft" width="319" caption="Photo: AP Images"]Boston Strong[/caption]

Just a few days after the Boston Marathon bombing last year, Lecturer Betsy McAlister Groves was asked to meet with a group of residents who lived on the same street as Martin Richards, the 8-year-old who had been killed by one of the bombs. The parents wanted Groves, a licensed clinical social worker and founding director of the Child Witness to Violence Project at Boston Medical Center, to help them figure out how to help their own children cope in the aftermath. “It was a very hard conversation,” she says.

Last week, in light of the anniversary of the bombing, Groves spoke again, this time to the Ed School community. Her talk, “Helping Children with Scary and Stressful Events,” included her experience after the tragedy, both as a social worker and a parent, as well as her advice for the mostly student audience — some who had direct connections to the marathon tragedy.

One student, for example, had been at the finish line when the bombs went off. He was physically unhurt, but was still today processing what happened. Another had a friend who ran in last year’s race and who was coming back this year to run again. One student from China had friends who knew Lu Lingzi, the Boston University student who was also killed in the attack. Almost all of the students who attended Groves’ session were training as teachers or counselors and worked with children.

Groves stressed to them that when helping children around scary and stressful events, it’s important to keep in mind the variables that affect reactions and can answer the question: Why do some children cope better than others?

For starters, proximity to the actual event is a big factor, although constant media exposure — another variable — can also have a big effect, even when children aren’t near a tragedy. Other variables include a child’s history with trauma, the ability of adults to make meaning of the event, and how adults react to the tragedy themselves.

“Adults need to pause and think about how they want to convey a message,” she says. This can be particularly hard if the adult is in the middle of the tragedy. “During a crisis, a teacher, for example, might be thinking, ‘I’m scared, too.’ But he or she has to pause and be calm.”

One student asked her if there are things adults do, even when well meaning, that can be harmful.

“I think the extremes,” Groves says. “Not talking about something at all or talking way too much. Of course, it’s hard to be prescriptive — every child is different.”

Age is a big factor, too. A child’s ability to understand or make meaning of a tragedy or stressful event is linked to how old they are and their developmental stage.

“This makes a huge difference,” she said. She remembers a caring first-grade teacher who wanted her students to write a group letter to the parents of Martin Richards, saying how sorry they were. Groves thought this wasn’t age appropriate. “Death is really overwhelming for kids at that age. Maybe instead write a letter thanking first responders for their help.”

Age also comes into play with media exposure to an event.

“I have strong opinions about this, based on the literature and our experience working with children and families over the years,” she says. “We need to limit. We need to gently suggest or impose limits to the media for children. And the younger the child, the more we need to be active protectors.”

Groves’ practical suggestions for acknowledging the anniversary of the Boston Marathon bombing with children and adolescents:

For younger children:

  • For very young children, it is probable that they will not remember the event, unless they knew victims or were otherwise directly involved in the bombing or the aftermath.

For older children and adolescents:

  • The specifics of acknowledging the anniversary depend on age and the extent to which they were directly involved. Were they at the marathon? Did they know a victim? Were they involved with the aftermath? For those who were directly involved, the anniversary may be accompanied by intense emotions. Adults can validate these feelings and provide extra support and opportunities to talk.
  • An anniversary is about remembering and commemorating. Schools may have a moment of silence or remembrance. In any setting, it will be important that adults are available and observant about the reactions of the children in their care. Families may create their own ways of commemorating the anniversary. Parents and teachers may want to acknowledge the progress that the bombing victims have made or the heroic work of police, first responders, and firefighters in helping the city of Boston recover. They may want to point out the fact that this year’s marathon has more runners than ever. These reminders of resilience and a return to normal are very important for children and adolescents.

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