When Kids Feel They Matter, They Do Better in Life

We know that children need the basics — nutritious food, clean air, and safe places to learn and live. But to really thrive, they also need something less tangible but equally as important: They need to feel like they matter. 

According to a new paper by the Center on the Developing Child, that need starts earlier than most people realize.

“Recently, the concept of mattering — the feeling that we are valued and have value to add to the world — has gained momentum among scientists and practitioners,” says Lindsey Burghardt, the center’s chief science officer. “We noticed that while mattering was gaining attention and momentum in other spaces, including in schools, businesses, and in academia, it wasn’t present in dialogues in the early childhood space. But it’s clear that building a sense of mattering begins in the earliest days of life.”

As explained in the paper, “Mattering in Early Childhood: Building a Strong Foundation for Life,” co-authored by Jennifer Wallace, a former 60 Minutes producer and author of the forthcoming book, Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose, “the foundation for mattering is laid in infancy, when the brain architecture that shapes our emotions, guides our behavior, and forms our emerging sense of self begins to take shape.”

Like the construction of a house, what’s built first supports everything that comes after.

“Early experiences significantly impact the nature and quality of the brain’s developing architecture by determining which circuits — connections between brain cells — are reinforced through repeated use and which are pruned away due to lack of use,” the paper states. “When those first foundational layers of brain architecture are anchored in ‘mattering’ — consistent signals that you and your contributions are valued — they help create a foundation sturdy enough to handle the complex social interactions we all face throughout childhood, adolescence, and later in life.” Feeling valued also helps protect against physical and mental health issues like stress, depression, and loneliness.

And it’s not just feeling valued that matters — it’s feeling like you add value, too. As the paper notes, developmental psychologists have found that children as young as 18 months show a strong intrinsic motivation to help others, which in turn helps them feel important and trusted. A toddler might stop their own play to bring a block over to an adult or a young student might be tasked with passing out crayons to classmates. “When children’s contributions are welcomed and recognized, they begin to internalize the belief that they are capable of making a difference and that they are someone others can depend on. Research indicates that early opportunities for prosocial behavior are associated with increased empathy, stronger peer relationships, and higher self-esteem later in childhood.”

Mattering can be tricky to define and is often confused with “belonging.” Belonging, the paper notes, has to do with being part of a community; mattering is more about whether we feel valued within that community. A student, for example, can be on a soccer team but not necessarily feel valued by their teammates or feel that their skills add much to the game. “Mattering goes deeper.”

Lots of things can affect mattering, not only the people in a child’s life. As Burghardt points out, place and policy are also factors.

“Caregivers don't raise young children in a vacuum or in isolation, and the places where children live, learn, play and grow also influence healthy development,” she says. These places have been designed by policy choices made over time, and those policy decisions send powerful signals about whether a child and their caregivers are valued — or not.  For example, does a neighborhood have safe playgrounds? Good schools? Sidewalks that are walkable or crumbling? What types of businesses are nearby? 

Housing matters, too. “When children have safe and healthy housing,” Burghardt says, “including homes that are warm, welcoming, and rich with opportunities for them to contribute to daily life through simple tasks and moments of connection with adults, those homes help build a sense of mattering. Conversely, when children do not have access to safe and healthy housing because of the high prices of housing or discriminatory policies that limit caregivers’ abilities to access secure housing, children, and their caregivers, receive messages that they don't matter.”