Beyond the Birds and Bees: Rethinking Sex Education in Schools

Sex education in the United States is often inconsistent, limited, or avoided altogether. But health educator and author Shafia Zaloom wants that to change.

In her new book Getting Real About Sex Ed, she advocates for schools to move beyond basic biology and toward comprehensive sexuality education that helps young people understand relationships, consent, identity, and communication. 

“A lot of times, because of the lack of consistent, comprehensive sex education, you get a lot of people who are misinformed, haven't had the opportunity to make sense of it in the ways that would be beneficial for all of us,” she says. “Comprehensive meaning it's all inclusive.”

Too often, this education is siloed in health class. Zaloom emphasizes that children encounter lessons about sex and gender throughout the day, and schools need to integrate sexuality education into the whole educational experience, even starting in preschool.

Of course, this can be challenging for many educators and districts.

“When parents come into schools and undermine what teachers and educators as true professionals understand and know about working with young people every day for years, it just gets really tricky,” she says.

In this episode of the Harvard EdCast, Zaloom explains why sexuality education should be integrated throughout the school experience and how educators and leaders can navigate the cultural and political challenges around teaching it.

Transcript 

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JILL ANDERSON: I'm Jill Anderson. This is the Harvard EdCast. Shafia Zaloom knows it's time for schools to get real about sex ed. She's a nationally recognized health educator with more than 30 years helping young people and adults navigate sexuality and relationships. Most of us grew up with inconsistent sex education, and too many kids are still learning the same way. The conversation has to go beyond the birds and the bees.

Kids need to understand consent, identity, relationships, and sexual health. Schools and educators must make what she calls comprehensive sexuality education part of every classroom, from preschool through high school and even beyond. I wanted to dig deeper into this holistic approach. I asked Shafia how she sees the current state of sex education in America.

SHAFIA ZALOOM: When I work with young people or adults, I'll take a little inventory of what people's sex ed has been like. There's three categories — there's fear, shame, and avoidance; and then there's something really clinical and medical, like puberty education that you get in a seventh or eighth grade science class taught by a science teacher as a unit for a week or two; and then there's something we could call comprehensive sexuality education. Our approach would be sex positive.

And a lot of people have a misconception about what that word actually means. I think today, it would be great to talk a lot about, well, what do we actually mean by that? And model that for the people who are listening because a lot of times when we enter into this conversation about sexuality education, especially in different states, about what should be taught in schools and to kids, we're saying the same words, but we don't mean the same thing, or we don't have a similar understanding.

And that's one of the first things I teach in relationship education with kids is that you really have to take the time to understand each other and what we mean by what we say because the sociopolitical history of sex education in this country has been so inconsistent, and it has ebbed and flowed, depending on how adults may be putting their political ideology above student health.

Because what we do know is consistent, through decades of research, is that comprehensive sexuality education actually leads to all the outcomes that we're all going for. And that when we talk to kids in cognitively congruent and age-appropriate and aspirational ways that they do things like balance responsibility and communication and authentic connection with each other and become far more relational in their relationships and become healthier sexual adults.

And I think that's a really important piece. A lot of times, because of the lack of consistent, comprehensive sex education, you get a lot of people who are misinformed, haven't had the opportunity to make sense of it in the ways that would be beneficial for all of us. So that's in many ways what I try to do in my work.

JILL ANDERSON: Right. I think a lot of people hear the term sex ed and think of it just being about biology or abstinence in this very granular level. I want you to tell us more about what is comprehensive sexuality education.

SHAFIA ZALOOM: Comprehensive sexuality education is really what we're going for. And comprehensive meaning it's all inclusive. It means that we're not only talking about sex education, which typically includes things like birth control, protection against unintended pregnancy, or being passed a sexually transmitted infection, understanding and knowing what sexual reproductive health is when it comes to our body parts and our systems.

And comprehensive sexuality education just expands that. It goes beyond that to how do we treat each other because it really matters, how do we identify and what are the different things that shape those identities, and how can we have agency and autonomy and express ourselves from our true authentic self.

The ethics of sexual decision making — we have all this focus on consent education, which should be a part of comprehensive sexuality education and may not be included in a sex education. We even go beyond that because consent is what makes sexual activity legal. And it's the foundation. It's the thing that holds everything up because it protects the fundamentals of human dignity.

And it's a really low bar for a positive, pleasurable sexual experience. It's certainly not the ceiling. And you can have a consensual sexual experience that is boring, that's disappointing, feels like a waste of time, embarrassing, awkward, whatever it is. You could be passed an STI. You could become pregnant. 

So, we want to go beyond that. We want to engage in what's called ethical sexual decision making, where we take into account the well-being of the people who are engaged in the relationship. And then even go beyond that to what's good and transformational, where we're really balancing that responsibility and pleasure, and people feel satisfied and enriched in their lives with their romantic and/or sexual relationships.

JILL ANDERSON: I mean, there's so much here I want to talk about and dig into because one of the things I was really struck by in looking at your work is how many of these pieces of a comprehensive sexuality education should be baked in to almost the overall experience of school and education. It's not a case of just dumping this in health class or having a one-off lesson for kids.

SHAFIA ZALOOM: One of the benefits of having done this for 30 years and being witness to the things that have stayed consistent and changed and evolved over time is that now, when it comes to advocating for what kids and students need, it's no longer just about comprehensive sexuality education. Some places really recognize this and value it and have a class and a teacher.

But what's happened is now everyone says in a school and educational spaces — or I should say, a lot of people say — oh, you can only talk about that in health class. It's only appropriate to discuss in health with your trained teacher, so siloing it even more, which is something we've done historically, which has not served us, which is to take sexuality, which is such an integral part of our overall being and make it separate, stigmatize it, other it, put it over here.

And so now, I get a lot of teachers who are looking for guidance, language, strategies, answers on how to address this because kids don't work that way. They don't save all their questions and these issues that come up between them in their interpersonal dynamics or in their social groups. They don't save those for health class necessarily. They're coming up organically all the time because one of the things kids are learning, which is a huge part of CSC or Comprehensive Sexuality Education is how to self-regulate. And they're trying to make sense of the world around them. And sex is everywhere and nowhere all at once in our culture.

And a lot of adults aren't talking to them about it in really positive and constructive ways. So that's a really important piece in how my work has evolved, too, is sure, I can talk to schools, and I do sometimes, those who are looking to establish a program and to make it meaningful. And I think that's an important goal for all educational spaces is to have a class and a teacher and a program that follows the kids and is scaffolded across their developmental stages, but also to train all caretaking adults in those educational spaces, because kids are in gender and sexuality school all the time, every day with us.

How we model it, how we connect with them, how we treat our peers, our colleagues, how we handle a situation, how we talk to the kids, how we dress, what we select to include in our curricula, and who we actually discuss and who we don't and what aspects of them — so it's really important that everybody have an understanding and a sexuality education so that we can guide kids in ways that are going to serve them and community, because we're all part of a community, so that our communities are places in which we are consistently guiding kids to healthy relationships, communication, and real connection.

JILL ANDERSON: This is not something that we wait to do. It should start young, which I imagine when people hear that, especially adults, they get nervous when we're talking about anything to do with sexuality, even at a young age. So, break that down a little bit so that we understand what it is and what it isn’t, so people aren't panicking, like we're teaching the mechanics of sex to preschoolers, which I think is what people misinterpret.

SHAFIA ZALOOM: Yes, people think that when you're talking to little kids, it's intercourse education. That's not what it is. Like, for instance, in kindergarten, we talk about the four or even five Fs. We talk about friends, family, fairness, fairy tales, all the F words that have nothing to do with the one most people default to thinking about. We're building a foundation. It's all foundational for self-regulation, what a lot of people call social-emotional learning, which is in and of itself such a valuable and important program when it comes to skills and identifying feelings and seeing them in other people and negotiating those things, understanding how they then work in our relationships — all that stuff is really important. 

And what we do know is that when it comes to body parts, for instance, it's so interesting how all the body parts we talk about with kids, but we tend to leave out those parts that actually have to do with our sexuality because they've been so stigmatized. And somehow, if we recognize or acknowledge that a little kid has this part just like we all do as human beings, that that's going to influence their behavior in some way.

What we do know is that when kids have the correct terms for all of their body parts, including those having to do with sexual reproductive anatomy, they are safer. It protects them because kids who have an adult who's openly talking to them about things having to do with sexuality, about good touch and secret touch and things like that because dysfunction, harm, predatory behavior — that thrives in isolation when it's shrouded in darkness.

But if you have someone who's shining light on these things and normalizing this conversation, someone who's predatory is going to go to someone else versus this child who has a certain level of confidence in knowing what they do and having a sense of bodily autonomy. That's a really important piece because kids then will dialogue about what's happening. They will have a sense of what's just for them and what other people should ask permission for.

Debbie Roffman talks about this beautifully. She's sort of the queen of sexuality education. She is a long-time grandmother at this point and still teaching in beautiful ways. And she is so funny when she talks about this because kids will ask, where do babies come from? That's a developmentally appropriate question.

JILL ANDERSON: Right.

SHAFIA ZALOOM: Suddenly, adults get all flustered because they default to babies are made through intercourse. And your kid is actually not interested in that. As adults, we tend to look at it through different lenses — our sexuality has developed — versus from the perspective of a child, who's like, hey, wait a minute. Developmentally, I'm realizing that the world is not just about me, that there are other people, that there's cause and effect. If I push this button, this thing will happen.

And they're wondering — they're like, so, how did I come to be? How did I come into this world? If you have something, like a train in a tunnel, and it goes in and it's moving, and then it disappears for a second, comes out the other side, like, oh, that's so cool. What's going on there? That's what they're wondering about.

And so, we just want to be simple and direct and normalize the conversation. And they may dig a little deeper to say but wait a minute. So then, if I was in there — because kids also see pregnant people — how did I get in there in the first place? Transportation — kids are so into watching cars and wheels and things move. How did I get in there? And how did I get out?

So, they're really not thinking about all the things that we default to as adults. And so, in our conversations, we can just be really matter of fact and not include all of that context that we default to but rather let the child's curiosity about the world around them be satisfied with a simple answer. And then they just go on, and they want to play with their blocks.

It's not what adults project into it. And so, to serve kids in this way, that we keep them safe, that we normalize these conversations because ultimately, we want to be askable adults because we don't want the media and their friends and TikTok and all these different negative spheres that are out there to educate them. We want to educate them, the people who care about them, who have their well-being in mind.

JILL ANDERSON: What are some of the key challenges that educators face when trying to implement lament comprehensive sexuality education?

SHAFIA ZALOOM: Ah. There are layers to that right now in ways that we haven't seen before. And with all of the different legislation that's out there to roll back CSE in schools, in particular. I travel to different states to teach in all different types of schools, so faith-based parochial schools, independent schools, and unified school districts. And some states I go to, I mean, I've had people recently —and I've never experienced this before — look me all steely-eyed and say, you cannot say and be very specific about different sexualities and whatever else.

It's tricky, and it varies from state to state. So, there's the personal in terms of who you are and what you represent in a school, and by being who you are, what parents assume you're going to influence their child with, that modeling. And so, if your identity and how you express your identity is outside of — and I'm going to put in air quotes — "the norm" from that person's perspective, there could be judgment. And it's so insidious because making all kinds of assumptions that just because of someone's gender or identity expression, that they're going to somehow brainwash or indoctrinate your child.

Kids benefit to be exposed to lots of different types of people because it helps them to see what the possibilities are for themselves. And I want to recognize — that's what some people are actually fearful of. The other piece is in interactions. So, when this stuff comes up, and it comes up all day, every day for educators, how are they talking to kids?

Because if their values or their word choice or how they approach it doesn't necessarily align with the parents, there's been this cultural shift that somehow parents are entitled to undermine educators' professional training and understanding of what kids need to micromanage, project upon, demand that certain things be done in schools because they're just thinking about their own child, not everybody else's child, too, or they think they're thinking about everybody. But in reality, not everyone is sharing those ideas.

Teachers in those situations are afraid for their job security. And that's really real right now. And that inevitable tension of navigating what we know kids need and our job security as well as parents who will then come after educators — and it's typically a few because the vast majority of parents actually want kids to get CSE. But those parents are pretty loud, and they're pretty active.

But I find teachers are not actually afraid of the parents themselves. They're afraid of their administrator not backing them or having their back when a parent questions, pushes back, and in some cases, attacks them in some verbal and/or other ways. And so, there's so many layers to it. And there are many schools where there are incredible groups of parents who support this, who want this, who are so grateful for these teachers who are having this conversation. There really is the spectrum.

And I could inventory all kinds of different contexts. And that's part of the issue. All unified school districts have CSE at the heart of them. But then you have these statutes or politicians who are pushing up against that. So, you have to decide, am I going to live up to what I've signed up for in this school district when you look at its mission and its philosophy, or this independent school, when you look at its values and education? There's always character development, seeing every child in their authentic self and affirming them, treating each other with dignity and respect, no matter where you go.

And then you have these states that are like, you can't say that. There's a lot of contradiction, and it makes it very difficult for educators. And then people wonder why we have a shortage of teachers. But the piece that I tend to highlight is that when parents come into schools and undermine what teachers and educators as true professionals understand and know about working with young people every day for years, it just gets really tricky.

And that's not to say that parents don't have the right to teach their own family values, to have conversation about what they agree about and don't agree about in the school. It's all about how we do that, how we have different ideas, or how we enrich what our kids are getting at school, or how we engage in critical thinking about what the kids are getting at school, or how we add to wonder or question in ways, though, that still uphold dignity for all people in a community. And that doesn't mean you all have to agree. It just means that when you disagree, you do it in healthy ways.

JILL ANDERSON: You mentioned school leaders, and I'm thinking about maybe a school leader who might be listening, and they want to move toward a more comprehensive, scaffolded sexuality education, but maybe they are facing some resistance. So that makes them scared to do it. What are some practical first steps they can take toward this?

SHAFIA ZALOOM: I think getting a better definition of the problem. I think a lot of times, because this is such a loaded and difficult topic for people, and people didn't get their own education in how to have conversations about this with language that actually addresses things in a way that is very straightforward, direct, and productive, that it's hard.

And so many people have their own experiences that are activated and come up around this too, for that very same reason. Whether you're in administration, or you're in the classroom every day, or you're the school nurse, or you're at the front desk, whatever it is, this is difficult, especially right now and at this time, in terms of how the leaders in our country in particular, are treating each other, what they're modeling for us, how we talk about things like sexuality, the words we use, all that kind of stuff.

And so, for educators, I would say, get a better definition of the resistance first. Do you have an audience that likes research and metrics? Because there's tons of them. There's decades of research that tells us we should be doing this. Is it because folks aren't necessarily educated? Is there a spiritual component to it? There are plenty of leaders in faith-based communities who believe in the value of this. I mean, it's in many ways the tenets of all faith, how we treat each other with empathy, compassion, forgiveness. 

It's just about how — how do we do that? Is this outside influence? Do they even have kids in the school. So doing some real on the ground, reaching out, community building, getting curious, finding information, providing those things, building the capital you need that will translate into support. So, there's typically three types of capital in most organizations, especially learning. So that's financial capital, political capital, and social capital. Be clear about in those three realms, how you're building capital in authentic ways, by reaching out to people and having quality conversations about what may be going on.

And not with this agenda to change everybody's mind and to get them over to your side. People just want to feel seen and heard. And then you bring some of those people together, and you form a committee. And you have conversation, and you do focus groups with kids because this is for them. It should be about them, and they have a lot of wisdom to share.

So, all those different constituents that you want to talk to them, bring them together and facilitate dialogue. And you may be the one ultimately making the decision. But if you do it right and facilitate that right, and people feel seen and heard and affirmed — not necessarily agreed with, not necessarily with the power to decide — but you take all those things into consideration, that is a good first step.

JILL ANDERSON: Look into the future, maybe like 10 years from now. How do we know if we've made real progress on how young people learn about sexuality and identity and consent and relationships? What would that look like for you?

SHAFIA ZALOOM: Well, I think there are multiple dimensions to it. So, Dr. Dennis Dailey has a visual. It's called the Circles of Sexuality. And there's six overlapping circles, kind of like a Venn diagram. You have sensuality, intimacy, sexual and reproductive health, gender identity and sexual orientation, and then sexual behaviors and practices. And then in the middle of those circles — it looks like a flower — is power and agency. And those circles and those different dimensions are really important.

And so, if we're talking about educators, to have a scope and sequence that includes all of those things 10 years from now, what are kids looking like, having been through these programs in all those different dimensions that overlap, that are interconnected? And they're all in a circle because circles have no beginning and no end. They're all equally important. And with power and agency in the middle, that is what's key to a healthy relationship. There's no beginning and no end. And it's also why we use it in the form of a ring as symbolic of a lifelong commitment, is that your relationship with your sexuality will be shaped by the people you meet, the information you get, all those sort of things.

So, given that framework, in 10 years from now, when it comes to each one of those circles, a kid would have the capacity to name and understand feelings and needs, to have language and strategies for managing what's going on in their relationships, have cultivated a capacity to connect authentically, to be comfortable with what's uncomfortable, and be able to navigate that in ways that we all stretch and grow, to be attuned to other people in an empathetic way, to be able to treat others with kindness and respect, as well as to hold a clear boundary and to hold that line in ways that contributes to a relationship, doesn't erode it, so that they're able to embrace intimacy and have quality relationships that enrich and fulfill their lives, because we actually know that's what will determine the quality of their lives, so that they are relational, so that they have community, so that they feel socially connected, and that they have a sense of belonging that lives in their heart.

Now, that's aspirational, right? That's what we're all going for. There's the world we want to live in and the world we actually live in. But I am hopeful and doing all that I can to get us to that place because it just makes the world a better place for all of us.

JILL ANDERSON: There's so much to think about here, and I just want to thank you for sharing all of this. It's a lot to think about.

SHAFIA ZALOOM: Thank you so much for your interest and for having me on.

JILL ANDERSON: Shafia Zaloom is a health educator who specializes in healthy sexuality and relationship education. She's the author of Getting Real About Sex Ed: What Today's Students Need. I'm Jill Anderson. This is the Harvard EdCast produced by the Harvard Graduate School of Education. Thanks for listening.