Teacher Journals: Alan

I was born and raised in North Carolina. This past May I graduated from college, with a major in English and a minor in creative writing. I am currently doing my student teaching at a high school in Boston.

I became interested in teaching after working for a summer at a youth center in New Jersey. The following summer, I worked as an educational policy intern for North Carolina's lieutenant governor. These two experiences profoundly shaped the way I view education, and I cannot imagine entering a more challenging and enriching profession than teaching.

My strongest professional interests lie in urban education, and eventually, I would like to return to the South to teach high school English and coach varsity football and basketball.

Alan's Journals

09.21.2001

S_____ asked me today if I was coming to see her cheer next Saturday at the f-ball game, since I went to the game last week. She was disappointed that I had to miss it for the teacher test this Saturday. I'm amazed at how much a simple act like going to a student's football game means to them.

In a homework assignment I've been looking over (what students see as their personal obstacles to success,) almost every one of them listed too much time watching TV as a very significant factor. How do we fight against that?

09.24.2001

At the beginning of first period of A Block today, only about 10 of our 29 kids were here on time. By the beginning of period two, almost all had arrived. I'm learning that student IEPs (Individualized Education Programs) are basically impossible to get, and social promotion seems to be quite high, though there are also a lot of older kids taking ninth and tenth grade classes again and again.

Like my mentor teacher said, one of the primary values of an urban teaching assignment is growing a thick skin, and I am working to develop that already. I'm already feeling more comfortable in front of the class, even during the briefest of exchanges.

09.25.2001

We did a sheet on adverbs today and I was surprised to find that many of the kids couldn't identify an adverb, adjective, or verb, even the students who often perform well in class.

Found out from my mentor that most Special Education students get the same diploma as regular students, as long as they pass the MCAS (Massachusetts Comprehensive Assessment System) in one of the five tries from 10th to 12th grade. One Special Ed. teacher told my mentor she had to give a full MCAS to a kid with the brain capacity of a six-month-old child. My mentor likened it to a form of child abuse.

09.26.2001

For the first 15 minutes of both A and B Block, I led the class as we reviewed over their list of sentences from the vocabulary in "The Piece of String." B Block was pretty easy. They're normally very mellow. A Block had me nervous (8 or 9 of the kids are often very disruptive) but after twenty seconds of steadily calling them to order, ssshing, and calling on particular students to settle down, they finally started to pay attention.

What I'm finding more and more is that if the students are given a context to connect the material to their own lives (no matter how ancient or seemingly obscure the material may be), they respond much, much better. Now that I'm starting to feel a little better about my role as an authority (not authoritarian!) figure in the class, I hope I can focus more on different approaches to getting the kids interested/engaged with the different lessons at hand.

09.28.2001

Found out from my mentor teacher that there is a cap to the number of Special Education kids that can be in Special Ed. classes, but there is no cap to the number of Special Ed. kids that can be in regular classes. In our rowdier class, there are at least five Special Ed. students, possibly more. How can we give them the full attention they truly need? The bureaucracies here are pretty amazing.

10.01.2001

One of my students, K______, was apparently one of the instigators in Friday's bloody fight in the stairwell. The school nurse told my mentor teacher that when the cop took him in to get treated, K______ was more out of control than any student she had ever seen--throwing desks and screaming uncontrollably.

S______'s mom came into our administrative meeting to discuss her daughter's attendance-or lack thereof. S______ wants to play basketball this year (couldn't last year b/c of attendance) so hopefully we can use that to motivate her to come to school more often. She's very capable of doing the work otherwise. Attendance is an absolute killer for many of these kids.

10.02.2001

In A Block, we gave them ten minutes of silence to record any observations of the five senses in the classroom. They were actually quiet, while B Block surprisingly had a difficult time sitting still and simply listening. S_____ picks up things more quickly than almost anyone in the class. I told her there were no limits to what she could do if she came to class every day. Not a very good way for me to engage her. She got very defensive. "I come to class! Every day! I'm late 'cause it takes girls longer to get ready." She comes in 30-40 minutes late almost every day. I asked her why she doesn't shoot for an A. "I can't do well on these tests. Plus, all I need is a D." She completes most of her work early, then fidgets while the other kids catch up. Seems like a perfect example of a student just going through the motions.

10.15.2001

In the double block of A Block, we worked the entire time on analogies, since some of the students will be taking the PSAT tomorrow. G_____ seemed to have the greatest handle on it; thus he finished early and used the rest of the time to distract everyone around him. My mentor teacher had to ease back on her plan to go to harder analogies, because most of the class was struggling with the easy sheet. Vocabulary is so important in these exercises, and many of these kids admit that they don't read much outside of school.

In the administrative meeting, talked about S_____'s progress report: improved attendance, but poorer class and homework grades. Why so?

10.16.2001

In both blocks, my mentor teacher got the students looking at two chapters in The House on Mango Street (finally able to get access to our first novel!) In the first, "My Name," she did an effective job of picking the article apart to find specific details/ points of importance. With "Cathy, Queen of Cats," my mentor made sure they understood the full range of strange neighbors in this section. Then she had them write in their journals (which the school only just gave us last week) about any strange neighbors in their own part of Boston. Some students said they didn't know any strange neighbors, and, thus they didn't need to do the assignment, but my mentor was able to jar their thoughts enough to give them a little push to write something anyway. But most of the kids were pretty excited about doing this topic. A______ refused to write, and I could not convince him otherwise. Today he was in one of his periodic resistant phases. Flat-out refused to do work. It's so frustrating to see this because I know he wants to go to college (Boston College or the University of Michigan) yet he doesn't seem to truly understand how to get there. I'm going to stay on him.

10.17.2001

Only six people on time at the beginning of first period.

Today in B Block, A_____ was in a much better mindset to do work. He was energetic and excited to participate, almost in excess. Why is it that he can be so "on" one day, and so "off" the next? I'm still working to get a trusting rapport with him, so hopefully I can find out more in the near future. He definitely seems to be opening up to me a lot more of late.

In A Block, D_____ asked my mentor where the money came from to build $40 billion Stealth bombers. Her reply: "Schools."

Moved on to the chapter "Our Good Day," in Mango St. My mentor teacher asked what happens when you are given a group present, such as a bike, like Esperanza in the novel. J_____ called sharing bikes, "hood status." Is she being self-deprecating? Bitter? I'm not sure. My mentor asks some great questions to get the class talking about the novel. G______ refused to pay attention. He constantly turned around to talk to S______, and when my mentor asked him to quiet down and focus, he shot back, "It's not my fault. You just don't like me."

10.19.2001

During my mentor's second period planning session in the teachers' room, I listened to a substitute teacher talk about his own days as a student at our school. He graduated from college two years ago, and now he works as a substitute at another school.

"I see a lot now," he remarked to a veteran teacher, "that I didn't see when I was a student here. You guys did a good job of hiding a lot of the problems at this school when I was a student. I'm starting to see them now." This sub went on to mention how much fun he had as a student, but the teachers he liked the most when he was in high school are now the ones he most disdains. "They were the ones who let us come in, read the newspaper, and goof around. I never had more than ten minutes of homework a night. Total. The teachers I hated at the time because of all the work they gave me, those are the ones I have the highest regard for right now." He talked about the shock of going to college, of how unprepared he was for the rigors of undergraduate work.

This entire exchange struck me for several reasons. I definitely see low expectations as a severe problem among a lot of the faculty here. As a new teacher, it's hard for me not to succumb, in part, to the negative attitudes many teachers here have towards their students. One of my great weaknesses growing up was that I wanted/needed everyone I knew to like me. I could have everyone say kind things to me, but if even one person criticized me, then I could let that gnaw at me for days at a time. I've come a long way from that level of insecurity, but I recognize, to this day, a tendency in myself to want my students to like me and to think I'm the greatest person in the world.

At school now, some of the 'teachers' who are most revered by many students are the ones who, in my opinion, let their students get by with very little work. Their classes are popular and fun because very little is expected of each student. Then, there are the teachers who seem to get a great deal out of their students, yet these men and women are often derided by students for giving too much work and for being too strict. But in the long run, these are the teachers who gain the most lasting respect from students. As a new teacher, I need to put my own past insecurities aside so that I can work to create a careful balance between being likable teacher, as well as a strict and demanding teacher.

One of my least favorite instructors growing up was my fifth-grade language arts teacher. She required a great deal out of her students, and we all hated the demands she put on us. At the time, I thought she was the meanest and most fearsome woman I had ever met. I now realize that she was possibly the best teacher I had growing up, and I am a much better literature and grammar student today because of her. If I hold high expectations for my students, they are not going to always like what I ask them to do. In fact, they probably won't always like me as an individual. But I need to understand that that's not always a bad thing. Hopefully, I can keep this perspective in mind as I teach in a school culture where expectations are typically quite low.

10.22.2001

Today in section A, we did two worksheets on determining whether a word was an adjective, adverb, noun, pronoun, or preposition. Many of the kids still struggle mightily with these concepts. By Thursday or Friday, we will be giving them a test on this material, and I still don't think they get it yet. I wonder how much they do need to know parts of speech, but I guess it's a key part of being able to write well-constructed sentences.

At the administration meeting, we talked about kids who are on progress reports. D_____ came to class today, but apparently he is just waiting on papers to send him to an alternative school. In reference to one of her students, another teacher said, "She's a hot little ticket. I hope she never comes back to my class." How awful is that?! Makes me wonder how so many of these kids make it as long as they do.

10.23.2001

G_____ was back from his three-day suspension today--what a difference he's made on the class climate. The great discussions we've had of late seemed completely marred by his constant disruptions. Another teacher pointed out to me a few days ago that she's noticed him kind of grabbing girls inappropriately in class. They giggle and laugh, but when she talked to them about it, they admitted it made them uncomfortable. My mentor asked him to stop talking to another student, and he just said, "I can't stop talking to her. She's just so beautiful."

10.25.2001

B group was acting up a great deal today. In the middle of class J______ screams behind her, 'K______, you're a f___ing idiot!' We were reading 'Hips' from The House on Mango Street and J______ made some typically inappropriate and random comment, and S_____ started laughing/yelling at the top of her lungs and wouldn't stop. My mentor had to take her out into the hallway, so I took over the reading. As soon as the door shut, everyone started talking, and C______ even pulled her headphones out and put the volume on full blast. I didn't really know what to do, and it was obvious to the class. K_____ told me, 'You need to work on managing the class.' I tried to quiet them down with J______ screaming 'Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!'

I was finally able to get them through the rest of the chapter. My mentor came back and let me finish up as the bell rang. I felt awful, and still do right now. What's going to happen in the spring if I can't manage the class climate any better than today? Afterwards, my mentor told me that a class will do that to any student teacher or substitute. The big thing, she said, is to give them some way to be accountable, with a worksheet or journal writing. Today, only 2/3 even had their books, so it was hard for me to foster a good discussion. Plus, it was my mentor's lesson and I had zero preparation time. I really need to work on not letting these instances get me down too much, because I will not be able to last long in this profession otherwise. Incidentally, this same group of kids came back in the afternoon after lunch and were much more relaxed and cooperative. Go figure.

10.29.2001

Found out from a teacher that one of the students is in to some major gang-related activity. She's repeated 9th grade 3 times. Last week, she got into a fight and is suspended indefinitely. When she comes to class (which is about once every week and a half) she is quiet and does her work.

In A, we continued with The House on Mango Street. My mentor had to leave me for the final 20 minutes so she could go see a parent downstairs. She took one of the students with her because he was being disruptive all period. I supervised them as they worked on a journal ("Can someone be born bad?" from the chapter 'Born Bad'), and then passed out two sheets for homework. Half the class wanted to socialize instead. I asked them why they didn't do their work when they had 15 minutes to get a jump on doing it at home. One student replied: "I'll do it at home. Not here. I only get to socialize when I'm at school."

We nominated two students from our classes for 10th grade Student Council. These kids are going to really do well in school and beyond.

Room was freezing cold today. Didn't seem to be any heat in the whole school, even thought the temperature was in the low 40s/high 30s this morning.

11.11.2001

Today we started the class working on their five-paragraph essays. Students were to have chosen three items to write about, and the responses of two students in particular really moved me. First, J_____ came up to me and said that she wanted to talk about family pictures she would take with her if she ever had to leave the country. She was somewhat perplexed because she wanted to write about her father, yet she never really knew him. She asked me, "Can I write about the invisible presence he's had on my life?" I thought about telling her that she was veering off of the topic slightly, since the class was supposed to write about tangible items, but the earnestness in her voice led me to reconsider. I told her to go right ahead.

So many of these kids are resistant to doing work that when even a single one shows enthusiasm, I almost feel that I have to give them free reign to let his or her thoughts come out as they may. Hopefully, I can work with this student to help her fit ideas about her father into the broad context of the assignment at hand, but part of me wants to allow her the complete freedom to write whatever she likes. I hope I can play an important role in the later stages of her paper by reading and critiquing what she will eventually put down on paper, asking her questions and guiding her to develop her thoughts further.

A second student had a similar request later on in the period: actually, it was during lunch. He was so engrossed in the assignment that he stayed late to work on it. For most of the past two weeks he has refused to do much work, and when he found out he had a D- for the quarter, he seemed to give up completely. But with this assignment he has become attentive once again. His problem was slightly different from J______'s. Since he has moved around from foster home to foster home over the past seventeen years, he has not been able to really save many possessions of his own. He remembers his birth father only vaguely, and no other blood family members seem to have any resonance with him. "I don't have three possessions to write about," he told me. "All I have is memories. Can I write about that?" I did not want him to feel ashamed of his few personal possessions, so I told him it would be all right to describe what some of his best memories were. He did come up with two other possessions: a piece of jewelry and a CD player. Memories would have to do for his third item.

Seeing these two engrossed in schoolwork made me so excited that I feared challenging their desires to deviate from the directions of the assignment. But that leaves me to question the ultimate purpose of this essay. If I can get my students writing and thinking critically, even if what they are writing somewhat deviates from the topic, then I at least have them started in the right direction. In the future, I need to work hard to create assignments that both challenge and engage my students in the process of learning.

11.14.2001

In A Block, A______ immediately acted up, so my mentor teacher took him down to the office. There I am, 30 plus kids already excited and disruptive, and I have to lead a discussion on the homework--not exactly the most exciting activity in the world. As I try to decide how to get the class to quiet down, a student asks me where my brother was today (he had visited my class last Friday.) I told them he flew home, and suddenly the entire class was focusing on me quietly and intently. I knew we needed to get to the lesson at hand, but humoring them for no more than a minute or two seemed like a good idea under the current climate of the classroom. They asked his age, then mine, and I kept them guessing by asking who thought he was older/younger than me. I told them I'd let them know our ages at the end of the period if they'd be quiet and let me go over the homework.

As I was passing out their homework sheets, my mentor teacher popped in to see how things were going, and I assured her that everything was under control (by this time, I was beginning to feel more confident and sure of myself in front of this group of kids. It seemed like the more I simply relaxed and acted like myself, the more responsive they were to my teaching style.) I think my mentor must have left again, but I was so engrossed in the class that I wasn't really paying attention. We began to go over the sheets. When kids started talking to each other I called on them individually to be quiet, which worked only slightly, or I just paused, waiting for silence, and that seemed to work much better. A couple of kids even tried to help me out by shushing the class when I did this. Typically, however, they started talking before too long, and I had to do the whole waiting thing all over. I was actually able to generate some discussion on Sally from The House on Mango Street, with one student being especially receptive to my question of what she would say to Sally if she ever got to talk to her in person.

In the middle of class, a new student sauntered cockily into the class and sat at the back table. I didn't know who the heck she was, but decided not to deal with it then. G______ even answered a question, but I thought he was giving one of his usual smart aleck answers and I moved on to someone else. Stupid on my part. Turns out he was actually giving me a serious answer, so I apologized for jumping on him too quickly. After forty minutes, I passed the reigns once again to my mentor.

After class, J_____ told me to keep my head up. "As long as they know they can delay you from accomplishing anything," she said, "there'll constantly be discipline problems." She also said that I was in a tough position, because even she has a tough time managing this group of kids. Made me feel a little better, but I left the school with the feeling that I had been run over by a truck. But they did respond fairly well to me as a full-fledged teacher for the most part, at least in stretches, so I guess that's a positive start.

12.12.2001

I'm pretty furious right now. I spent today observing classes at _______ High School, and, needless to say, I'm completely blown away. I knew the school had an impeccable reputation, and everyone who teaches there had nothing but positive things to say about the school, administration, students, etc. Now I see why. There are no bells between class. Students come and go from school grounds as they please. There are no real policies against wearing hats or against food in the classroom. Students go to the bathroom without the need for hall passes (dammit, the bathrooms are never padlocked like at our school!), and the hallways are impeccably clean. Students come to class prepared, and they obediently listen to their teachers. People seemed relaxed and happy.

I now see how preposterous it is to think that education is equitable in this part of Massachusetts. The physics department here has a $70,000-plus annual budget. We have one physics class. This school is redoing its gym roof for $100,000, seemingly for esthetic purposes. I would kill to have that kind of money for so many necessities that our school cannot provide. Class sizes at this school cap out at 24, while our school routinely exceeds its 30-32 person limit.

I get angry when I begin to imagine some of my students in this kind of environment. Heck, I imagine all of my students in this kind of environment. How far could they go? What would their education look like? I have some beautiful kids. In fact, all of my kids are beautiful, even the ones who can be so incredibly hard to deal with in class. They're just not given the chance. I applaud what this community has been able to do for its high school. What about my school's community? What are you going to do? How dare you treat my students the way you do! You say education is the preeminent issue in our society today, but you treat your children like animals, sticking 1300 beautiful and potentially brilliant students into a school that was built for 750. Hell, it was built as a factory instead of a school. What does that say about this city? You don't give them enough books and lined paper to go around. You pay your teachers lousy salaries (though sadly enough, better than most of the country.) You make decrees from on high without ever even visiting the schools you will be harming. So much needs to be done, yet all I'm hearing is lip service to the great importance that you place on a quality education for all. My students are not given a fair shot. That's all I am asking for them. This other community has spoken, and its students respond. Damn you for not giving my kids that same opportunity.

12.14.2001

My mentor teacher left the room for me to teach about thirty-five minutes of B Block today. We are reading Night out loud. I really struggle to lead class discussions like this. I'd rather have the kids read silently, then have class discussions afterwards, but when we do that many of the kids get completely lost along the way. My mentor is a master at facilitating reading aloud in class. I guess that's part of the reason I get down so often. It's probably not fair to compare myself to someone with 33 years of teaching experience.

Anyway, things were going pretty well, until J_____ and P______ put their books down and started talking. When I asked them to quiet down and follow along, they deliberately ignored me. I kept calling their names, then threatened detention, but they ignored me and kept talking to each other. Finally, I pointed to the door and said, "Okay, let's go." They both jumped to attention and opened their books. Crisis avoided. It became very clear to me that they were simply trying to test how much they could get away with, since this is still one of the first times I've taught without my mentor in the room. Near the end of class I went up to each girl separately and asked them if it was really worth getting a detention over something as simple as closing their book and talking. They both agreed to try to do a better job.

My last journal entry was pretty negative, but the next story balances everything out: this afternoon after school, I went to see the JV and varsity boys' basketball games. C_____ is the starting center for the JV team. When he saw me in the stands he gave me a big smile and a wave. He played well, scoring about 16 points in a lopsided victory. C____'s a great kid.

J___ G_____ is my only varsity basketball player, and he couldn't even dress out because of a one-day suspension from acting up in our class earlier in the week. I saw him before the game, and he was really upset about not getting to play. At halftime of the varsity game, the JROTC did a wonderfully coordinated performance on the court. Several of my students were in this group. They seemed thrilled to be able to dress up and perform in front of an audience. One of these students sat up in the stands behind me. She didn't really understand what was going on with the game, so another student teacher and I had to explain things to her.

The game went down to the wire, with our team winning 83-80. As I looked around this packed, shabby gymnasium, sitting among so many of my students, I couldn't help but smile. These people are my family now, I said to myself. I'm 1,000 miles away from home, but these people are my family. There are so many daily struggles and headaches that come from teaching at a struggling, urban high school like this one, but it warms my heart to see how much these kids want to succeed.

This is what I see: C____, smiling on the basketball court after a big win. Ch_____, carrying the U.S. flag to center court as the national anthem plays, the flag swamping her tiny frame. M_____ cheering on her classmates in her slight, Nigerian accent. It felt good to be here, at this school, with these wonderful kids. Other schools may have more money. That's not okay; I can't pardon these inequities. But I'm not going to let myself get so discouraged that I give up on these kids. They would never give up on me.

1.21.2002

I find it hard to believe that the Summer Academy started just over six months ago. So much has happened in my journey to become a better teacher.

In some ways, I have begun to see certain strengths in my teaching and learning. I feel most confident when I work one-on-one with a student, and I think this is linked in some way to the culture of a school like this one. Many of my students take on completely different personalities in the context of a large, urban classroom setting, and as soon as they step into my room, many of them seem to put up a very powerful shield. When I talk to them individually, on a more personal level, that shield often dissolves, and some of my greatest progress with several students appears to be directly linked with my efforts to devote time to them on a one-on-one basis. I think I am very enthusiastic in the classroom. I'm excited about teaching the subject of English, and on several occasions I think I have been able to carry that enthusiasm over to my students. I also care deeply for my students, and I do my best to constantly look at them in a positive light, even when they sometimes frustrate and disappoint me.

My weaknesses as a teacher and learner are far too many to fit into a short journal. I have been warned by my esteemed advisor not to fall victim to a negative vacuum of pessimism about my abilities as a teacher. Often, I fail to do so. As I walk into class every day, I continue to feel nervous, to doubt myself and my abilities as a teacher. I am a very competitive person, and I find it hard to stomach the fact that I am not a very good teacher--yet. I will be, though. Deep down, I know this can happen in the future, but my impatient nature pushes me to want great success in the here and now. I still have doubts about my ability to create lesson plans that are dynamic and interesting to my students. I struggle mightily with discipline. I hate the idea of throwing kids out of my classroom for misbehavior, and in my classes, such misbehavior usually involves students who refuse to cooperate and to stop talking to their friends when I am attempting to lead a lesson. I am not even dealing with too many students who are blatantly and directly rude to me. I have not been cursed out, nor have I ever felt that my physical safety has been threatened. These, to me, are offenses that could require removing a student from a classroom. But I hate the idea of disrupting a student's opportunity for learning simply because he or she can not stop talking. At the same time, when these students behave in such a manner, my non-disruptive students learn very little. When C_______, P_______, and J______ walk into my room every day, my stomach immediately tightens. I know that, if they are so inclined, they have the ability to severely disrupt any lesson I may have planned for the day. I am learning to become a better classroom manager, but I still lose a lot of sleep over students such as these.

Herein lies one of my other major weaknesses. I take school home with me almost every night. I'm getting better, but I have a hard time stepping back from the events here each day. A single incident can stress me out for the rest of the day and into the evening. When I go home now, I often have to consciously focus on the positive interactions I had with students on that day, even when they are few and far between. Otherwise, I tend to push myself down into pessimism. I understand that a lot of these feelings will lessen as I become more confident in my abilities as a teacher. I know this, intellectually. But it's hard for me to look that far in the future. For right now, this idea does not fill me with much reassurance.

Now on to my misguided assumptions about teaching. First, I always assumed that lesson plans began with a creative activity. It never occurred to me that activities can and should stem from larger understanding goals. This new idea has profoundly shaken my philosophy as a teacher--in a good way. Secondly, I used to assume that most students would regularly do work outside of class. I still think that they are capable of doing homework, but I did not understand just how difficult it would be to motivate students to complete such work. Connected with this idea, I also assumed that grades would drive most students to do well in school. I have found that while most students here sincerely want to learn, many of them are not particularly concerned about their final grade in the class.

I also carried several assumptions into this program that have proven to be true. I have always felt that most students really do want to learn, no matter what personal baggage they bring into the classroom. Happily, this seems to be true. My kids want to be challenged, but they will also check out of the learning process very early on if they do not see the relevance of what goes on in my classroom. I also assumed that if I could just be myself and treat my students with respect, then they would treat me with respect. This has not been a perfect theory in my classroom, but nine times out of ten my students respond very well when an adult treats them with the understanding that they are mature, young adults. I am a white teacher in a school consisting primarily of minority students. Coming in, I had the highest hopes that if I was "real" with my students, then they would respond in a positive way to me. After almost five months here, I still believe that this is true. My students resent poor, uninspired teaching much more than they do the color of my skin.

As I head into my second semester, I have several goals for my teaching and learning. I want to become a better classroom manager. When students challenge me directly, I want to gain the confidence to respond firmly, calmly, and effectively. Also, I hope to learn to keep my daily teaching in a healthy perspective. I want to be able to see the good in my students every day, even when they are disruptive and hard to deal with. If I can do this, then I think that I have a better chance of staying in this profession for a long, long time. Finally, I want at least three of my students to be truly affected by my presence as their teacher over the year. I mean this in a realistic way. I do not want to be a prophetic savior to any of my students, but I do want to be able to see definite growth in some of them from now until the middle of May. Ultimately, all three of these goals boil down into one simple idea: I want to become confident in my professional abilities. With greater confidence, I will become a much more effective teacher, as well as a much wiser adult.

2.4.2002

This past week, a number of my female students alternated from being quite rude and disrespectful to participating fairly well in my classes. I had individual discussions with all of these students after each incident, and every single one of them explained to me that their classroom outbursts had nothing whatsoever to do with my classroom. For instance, S______ was angry at several of her friends that morning, and she brought that foul mood into my class. She scowled at me all period, and was blatantly disrespectful on a number of occasions ("Shit, I'm not listening to you...This sucks...Be quiet...Get out of my face...") Yet when I talked to her after class, she pleasantly assured me that I had nothing to do with her classroom demeanor. For the rest of the week, she was her usual, pleasant self.

Then there is the threesome of C_______, J_______, and P_______, who do everything together, and who carry corresponding moods into my room. For several days straight, they were involved in peer mediation for a potential fight with other students outside of my class, and thus, they wanted to spend all of my class periods talking about the incident and scowling back at me when I tried to get them to do any work. Once again, I only knew about their outside conflicts by talking to them individually. I wasn't sure how to explain to them that despite their problems outside of my classroom, they did not have the right to take their anger out on me or the other students in my class who were trying to learn.

I try to avoid removing students from my classroom whenever possible. Sometimes, however, it seems as if this is the only option. If my students are blatantly rude and disrespectful to me in front of the whole class, how can I avoid this form of discipline? Most of the time I understand that their anger has very little to do with me, but if I allow them to take it out on me, then doesn't that send a message to the rest of the class that I am not worthy of respect as a teacher? Also, how can I make it clear to these disruptive students that it is very important for them to work to control their anger and to channel it in ways that will not affect their standing in every class at this school?

I am very willing to look for the basic good in all of my students, no matter how disrespectful their behavior can be. I do this in part because I am beginning to understand how little of their anger is actually directed at me personally. But I am also worried that throughout their high school career, these girls will constantly put themselves into difficult and unnecessary positions with teachers over matters that occur outside of school. If I had not talked to these girls individually, I certainly would have had much less compassion for their classroom behavior. Even with this understanding, I still find it hard to allow students to take out their frustrations on myself and my classes. What is the most effective way for me to go from here?

2.8.2002

I need to remember these past two days whenever I feel most discouraged as a teacher. We are currently reading To Kill a Mockingbird in class. Yesterday, I asked my students to think about what this story would be like if it was told from the perspective of Boo Radley. I wanted them to focus particularly on one scene, in which Scout, Dill, and Jem encounter Boo one night as they snoop around his house. I cut out the lights in my room, and by using a flashlight, I acted out two monologues I had written from the perspective of Boo--one in which he is a vicious monster of a man, and another in which he is kindhearted and shy. The kids were completely entranced. I then asked them to try to create their own monologues of this scene from Boo's perspective. For once, one of my lessons actually got them genuinely excited! My three most difficult students (and inseparable friends) worked together to create a schizophrenic Boo, with three separate and distinct voices in his head. Almost all of my students came up with really solid and creative efforts on this. An activity that I thought would take about twenty minutes turned into two full periods, ending with many of my students volunteering to act out their work in front of the class in the same fashion that I did.

Today, I was getting a bit discouraged by some discipline issues in the class, particularly the three girls whom I always seem to struggle with. J______ had already stormed out of the class over some argument with her two best friends, and I was at my wit's end. P______, one of the few boys in my class, called me over while he and M______ were doing some group work. "They're really stressing you out, aren't they?" Yes, I admitted. "Don't worry about it. You can't make everyone learn if they don't want to. You've got us over here, and a bunch of other kids in this class who are behind you. We wanna learn. You're doing a good job, you know that, right? We're behind you." I get so wrapped up in some of the discipline issues in this class that I forget just how compassionate and wonderful my kids can be. I need to remember these words as I struggle to become a better teacher. Every once in a while, I feel like I'm starting to get there.

2.14.2002

Pretty bizarre day. Je_______ came into second period and announced to the whole room, "It's Valentine's Day, nigga! I ain't doin' sh--!" I told her she would have to leave the room if she couldn't be quiet, and for the rest of the period she was silent. Fourth period was pretty much a disaster. I tried to teach an MCAS 6-step process for answering short-response questions, but the combination of this tedious activity, Valentine's Day, and the fact that the kids had just returned from lunch made the whole class hyper and off the wall. 6th and 7th period were wonderful. We had a faculty-student basketball game for both boys and girls. In the boy's game, I played terribly, and we lost the game by one point. In the second half, our principal pretended to get extremely upset at one of the referee's calls (the games were officiated by students, including J____ from my class). J_____ gave the principal a technical foul, and the principal threw a chair across the basketball court. One of the school police officers and an assistant principal came out and dragged the principal off the court. The packed audience of students seemed confused for a minute, then laughed and cheered the principal out the door. I finally hit a shot near the end of the game. Afterwards, M____ came up to me and told me, "I thought you would suck out there a lot more than you did!" It was so nice to see both students and teachers so upbeat and happy for a change.

3.1.2002

M____ and the rest of the media class had made a wonderful calendar to pass out to students after school, complete with artwork, photographs, and graphics. We put one of the calendars on our door, and as I was praising the kids for all of their hard work, Je____ (on cue) shouted out, "That is madd corny, yo! That looks stupid as hell!" What a mean-spirited little kid... When my mentor leaves the room now, there's no longer a real change in the atmosphere of the class. I finally feel like they are accepting me as their teacher, although they can still test me in ways that they never tested my mentor. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel for the first time since I've been up in Boston.

3.6.2002

Eight girls were kicked out of the building this morning after they were found wandering the hall. Ch____ was absent again today. The rumor is that she has threatened to run away from home. It definitely made class easier to handle without her there (sad that we as teachers often have to look at classroom management this way). I am still working to get my kids interested in To Kill a Mockingbird, but it's a major challenge every day. The moods of many of these kids seem to change on a dime, and I'm trying to do a better job of keeping a positive outlook through it all.

3.7.2002

The superintendent and his staff supposedly came by today, but I never saw any of them. Right before my second period class, a fight broke out in a room two doors down, then carried over in the hallway until one angry boy was carried off in handcuffs, screaming profanity at the top of his lungs all the way down the hall. This really set my students off, and it took a long time to get them settled down. We began to act out the courtroom scene from Mockingbird, which carried over into fourth period. Things were going well until the fire alarm went off and we had to evacuate the building. After we got back, it was very tough to get them refocused. I finally had to throw J____ out of class, and I was close to removing P____ and C_____ when the bell finally rang. Only four students turned in their homework today. I am feeling pretty inadequate as a disciplinarian right now. As I left to get lunch during fifth, someone set off another fire alarm--another evacuation, with all the disabled students struggling to get out through the throngs of people, and carts of babies from the daycare getting bundled up and wheeled out for the second time in an hour. I saw one of the assistant principals outside during the drill, and she speculated that the fires were the work of students who simply wanted to disrupt the superintendent's visit.

3.15.2002

Friday at last! The health class that is in our room during second period had a substitute today, and the room was left in a wreck. Someone had ripped up most of our bulletin board full of Boo Radley monologues. When my students found out, they were pretty upset and disappointed. What makes a student destroy something that so many kids obviously spent a great deal of time and effort on? It really angered me. During fifth period today, I went down to the student store to buy a school sweatshirt, and while I was down there I saw a girl getting carried away on a stretcher, strapped down and screaming at the top of her lungs that she was going to die. Later on in the day, I found out that this girl had attempted suicide by drug overdose. It was apparently the fourth or fifth time she had tried to kill herself this year. Sad, sad stuff. Just another day at our high school.

3.26.2002

During common planning time I met with P______ and his guardian (a respected reverend who is taking care of P_____ right now). We talked about P_____'s slipping grades in all of his classes. P_____ was pretty upset, and we talked about ways to get his grades up. Later, the reverend told me that, over the past two weeks, P_____ has been hanging out with his old friends and smoking marijuana again. I hope we can get him back on a positive track.

4.4.2002

Much, much better day today! Took my class down to the library to use the computers there (we're finishing up our final essays on Mockingbird.) For the past two days, I have been working with P_____ to get him going on this essay. When I asked him for a full rough draft today, he told me he didn't feel like doing it last night. I started to get angry, and I argued with him about how important it was for him to get a good grade in this class. He said that he didn't want a good grade anymore, and that he no longer wanted to go to college. He really had me frustrated. Two minutes later, he came up with a big smile on his face and handed me a long, typed draft. We both laughed and I shook his hand warmly. I jokingly shook my finger at him and said that April Fool's Day was over three days ago. It's great to see him finally getting back on track in class. In the afternoon, I found out from some other teachers that P_____ had an awful reputation at this school last year. He had been surly and mean to almost all of his teachers. He was known as a really angry young man. This year, he is obviously making a considerable effort to do better. Kids like P_____ really remind me that being a pubic school teacher can be a wonderful experience. I feel incredibly overwhelmed ninety percent of the time, but moments like today truly put this job in perspective.

5.19.2002

I do not think I can pinpoint one moment growing up when I knew I wanted to be a teacher. I do know I have always enjoyed helping others. I have been blessed with certain talents, yet I have never seen myself as someone who will take the world by storm with musical or athletic talent. I can be a leader when the situation arises, but I will never be a visible, political figure. I like to write, and I am probably a decent writer, but I do not have the stories in my head or the literary talent to lift me to the bestseller list. I have always enjoyed praising those who are successful, and I thrive off of helping others to realize their own, untapped talents.

Over the course of my life, I have been somewhat fixated on the philosophy of happiness. My parents are two of the most upbeat and positive people I have ever met, in part because they have each dealt with personal trauma in their own lives. They keep this pain locked away as a reminder that life is too short to worry about that which is ultimately inconsequential. I have never experienced personal tragedy to such a degree, but I still find myself falling into periods of great unhappiness in my life. I have often felt powerless to overcome these feelings of sadness, and I constantly force myself to look at life in an appropriate perspective.

As I have matured, schooling has helped me to find much happiness in my life. It has filled me with the confidence to tackle tragedy and joy alike with greater vigor and appreciation. Schooling has opened my eyes to the full depth and importance of issues that sit at the core of my understanding of living, such as love, sadness, kindness, hatred, personal responsibility, social justice, and spirituality.

When I first entered college, I planned to become a Methodist minister. I wanted to help others deal with all of these issues through the framework of religion. But over the next four years, it became apparent to me that teaching could be the most effective way to bring happiness and intellectual growth to others. I believe that all people have the right to happiness, even if we live in a world in which economic equity does not exist. I believe that racial and social injustice will continue to infect the hearts and minds of our nation unless we make the effort to face these issues head-on. I believe that all people deserve the intellectual capacity to see the full beauty in the world around them. It is the purpose of schooling, in my opinion, to guide young adults along this complicated journey.

I have been teaching in a school culture that is very different from the one I grew up in. I attended public schools in the South, where segregation often does not exist to the degree that it does in northern cities like Boston. Growing up, I was constantly told that the historical repercussions of racism in the South far outweigh those in the North. I certainly cannot ignore the reality that racism continues to poison much of the core of the Southern identity, but teaching in the Boston Public Schools has opened my eyes to an entirely different set of problems. The high school where I taught this year is like many public schools in Boston: under-funded, overcrowded, and almost entirely devoid of white students.

I was not prepared for the extreme segregation of the Boston schools when I came up here. I grew up attending schools that were fairly integrated along racial and economic lines. Racism existed, but it was not thrust in my face on a daily basis. The true bigotry of people often comes glaringly to the surface when they are forced to acknowledge it. Up north, race is not addressed to the same degree, and when it is, the outcomes are often quite disturbing.

I hesitate to shine too positive a light on my Southern schooling. The "grass is always greener" theory certainly plays a part in my opinions, especially since I am fairly homesick at the moment. But the differences between schools in the North and South underlie a common idea. In all parts of this country, inequalities continue to exist, both on the surface and festering behind closed doors. Nations look to their educational structures to right every wrong in society. Education cannot be the sole answer, yet teachers do not have the option to use this as an excuse.

I still see teaching as a way to bring about social justice, as well as a way to bring happiness and satisfaction to all learners. These two overarching lenses play a key role in my daily teaching. I believe that the most important dynamic between students and teachers is a sense of mutual trust. I need to make it clear to my students that I care about them and that what we are doing in class has a guided purpose and direction. Students will not trust me unless I do my best to treat them like mature, young adults. Personal relationships are very important in my classes. I feel that I can make a greater impact on my students if I have some understanding of their dreams and ambitions, of what they want in life, what support structures they need, and what types of classroom activities are most conducive to their learning.

I am very new to the concepts of backwards planning and teaching for understanding. It is my natural tendency to simply jump into activities that might be most engaging to my students. I have learned over the course of the year, however, that the most engaging activities come out of a shared understanding of where we are going with a unit of study. I would never have been able to develop some of my better lessons this year if I had not been working within the teaching for understanding framework. This year, I have also learned that I am often most successful and excited about teaching when I carry my personal strengths into my lessons. I love creative writing and theater, and I have incorporated each of these elements into many of my lessons.

I also love sports, and I feel that I have made a number of lasting connections with students over a shared passion for football and basketball. I feel that I have gained a certain amount of respect and appreciation from my students through my regular attendance at their games after school, as well as praising them in class the next day for their successes on the field or on the court. Athletics is just one of many ways that I hope to continue making connections with my students outside of the narrow contexts of classroom subject matter. Such connections are vital for teachers who want to help students believe that what goes on in class is relevant and important.

Next year, I plan to teach in the South, preferably in a school with a reasonable racial and economic balance. I spent most of my youth in North Carolina, and being in Boston for this year has helped me to realize the value of returning home to the community that has helped me become the person I am today. One of my favorite authors, Thomas Wolfe, once said: "And sometime when the springtime comes/ And the sifting moonlight falls/ They'll think again of this night here / They'll think again of Chapel Hill and / Thinking come back home."

I think I am ready to come home, bringing with me the many lessons I learned this year. I hope to shape my classroom into a community in which all students feel safe and welcome to take intellectual risks. I hope to remember that social justice is an integral aspect of my daily teaching. And I plan to continue asking questions, to challenge myself in new ways as a teacher, and to reflect on my successes as well as my failures. I must remember to treat every one of my students with love and respect. All students can learn, and I must constantly strive to make this a reality.